さびしい - This makes me feel naked (0_0) I hope the emoticon lightens the mood a little.

Today is the 21st of June. So what, about a month of summer so far? Probably the loneliest month of my life. For the first time ever, I'm living by myself. My good friends, people who I feel the most comfortable around are not here. Combine both jobs and I work 30-40 hours a week. Both places are boring and I don't hang out with anyone from work. The place where I am living now has no internet or cable so I can't sit around the house all day and talk to people on some instant messager or watch tv all day. Instead, on my days off I go the public library for a few hours. Even though there are people, I don't feel any less lonely. But at least there's internet and books, which are the main reasons why I go. I usually leave with a bunch of dvd's to watch. I watch them at night while I eat my delicious homecooked meal for one. In fact, just a little while ago, I watched Smart People while I ate Stroganoff with mushrooms. I don't really take pictures anymore. It only reminds me that I'm hanging out with myself more than anybody. Guess where I am right now? In the reading room in Lone Mountain at school. I think I'm the only one here. If not then sorry for them because I've ripped a couple of farts while I've been here. The only time I come here is during school around finals. It's really quiet in here and secluded. I could have gone to Javaholics, a internet cafe closer by. But what if I wanted to use theinternet past ten, the time it closes? Plus, if I did go there, it would've felt too forced. Like in my head I'd tell myself to go to someplace where there are people but really I'd rather go to school, to a room that I only go to when I have so many things going on, to somehow try and pretend that I've got more things going on now besides eating dinner and watching dvd's by myself. I thought that I had gotten used to loneliness. I mean, I haven't really had a girlfriend for a while. And I was fine. Maybe sometimes when things where not so good, I'd wish that I had someone to tell me to not worry instead of me being the one to say it. But when you're around so many people all the time because of school and living situations everything is fine. They suffice. Actually, more than suffice. They make you forget. At least the people who I am thinking about did. I feel like everyone has a box in there body and everybody longs for the it to be filled. With b/gf's, good friends, family, money, whatever else you can think of. I feel like my box is empty. I long for it to be filled with someone. Just one person. It sounds like I'm in this reading room crying like a baby but these thoughts have been inside my head for a long time. As I type, I don't feel depressed or anything. I can't be because if I decide to post this, it would be like walking around my friends while I had a super bad sun burn on my back shirtless. I feel too apprehensive. But I initially made this blog to say things that I couldn't say to people outloud. Mainly because, my ability to convey how I feel in text trumps my ability to do it speaking.

How I feel now makes me think about how it will be like when I graduate, get older and get a real job. I can't imagine how working a steady job 40 hours a week would feel like when you don't have anybody to lean on.

Just some thoughts that were on my mind. =^x